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“The bravest act is not ignoring fear, but standing tall in its presence and
choosing to move forward anyway."
-Ipek Williamson
I first met Ipek (pronounced “EE-pek”), a native of Turkey now living in Canada, at a Leadership workshop about the power of living our values. Immediately, I was struck by the calm energy and quiet confidence she exuded.
During the conversation, she casually mentioned,” I don’t really feel fear anymore.” At first I thought I may have misheard her. Then, I was intrigued.
Ipek is a certified transformation coach, passionate about helping people — especially women — navigate life’s crossroads, and overcome fear and self-doubt. She’s done the work on herself, and knows a few things about navigating fear, and overcoming what holds us back from living extraordinary lives.
“What would it be like to not feel fear?,” I wondered.
Curious, I sat down with her over a virtual call and a cup of cocoa to discuss Life Without (Quite So Much) Fear.
Fear is inevitable.
Fear is hardwired into our brains as a survival mechanism, designed to warn us of risk and keep us alive. But so much of what we fear is self-created — doubts about our worth, fear of failure, fear of challenges that come with success, worry about what others might think…
The list goes on.
“How have you learned to manage fear?” I asked.
“I see all emotions as stemming from either love or fear,” she said. “All positive emotions come from love. All negative emotions come from fear. When we become the master of our minds, and master our thoughts, we can learn to manage these emotions. Recognizing what we’re feeling and taking even one step away from a negative feeling helps us get closer to that positive side, closer to love.”
“So, when you're feeling that negative emotion – anger, overwhelm, anxiety – what is one simple step you can take to move more quickly away from fear?” I asked.
“First, name the emotion. ‘I feel frustrated.’ ‘I feel anxious.’
The moment you pause, reflect, and call out the emotion for what it is, you stop it from festering,” she said. “Acknowledge it, and remind yourself that it’s temporary, that you will feel better soon. That simple act starts the process of feeling better.”
Ipek went on to share her approach to worst-case scenarios, and the three questions we can ask ourselves to dispel fear.
What’s the worst that can happen?
What’s the probability it will happen?
What would you do if it did happen?
1. What’s the worst that can happen?
Okay, asking yourself this question may feel like an express lane to freak-out territory, but Ipek and other respected psychologists suggest you intentionally allow yourself to Go There.
Spoiler Alert: Your brain is already there anyway.
You’re just taking it through this dark little worst-case scenario tunnel in a more controlled fashion. With a guide and a headlamp. And maybe some snacks.
For example, there was a time when Ipek worried about her husband, Craig, losing his job. “I was concerned about the lost income, health benefits and all the security his job provided,” she shared. “But then, I asked myself these questions.”
2. What’s the probability that the worst thing will happen?
“We worry so much, but how often do the things that worry us actually happen?” she asked. “And will this thing we fear even matter a month, a year, or five years from now?”
“Right,” I said. “When I was first diagnosed with bone cancer years ago, my Worst Case Scenario was: I could die.”
Ipek smiled gently. “And yet here you are,” she said.
Yes, here I am.
My mind went back to the countless, restless nights I’ve spent worrying about things I can no longer remember. (Between 2-4 AM seems to be PST: Prime Stress Time.)
In Ipek’s case, however, there really was a good chance of her husband losing his job. So they asked themselves this important question:
3. What would you do if the worst-case scenario actually happened?
“If the worst case scenario was that Craig and I were both out of work,” she said, “what would we do? How would we deal with it? What are our solutions? Even in the worst case scenario, there are still some things we could do. We could downsize, sell our house, dig into our savings, or we could take on part-time jobs. There are always options.”
Asking yourself, “What can I do?” puts your brain into problem solving mode. You just lobbed your brain a powerful challenge, and it can’t help but come up with ideas, because your brain is the most miraculous problem-solving machine ever created!
So, what happened with Craig’s job?
“It was interesting how it turned out,” Ipek said. “The day we decided Craig should resign, his company let him go — with a severance package. Now, he helps me with my business and loves contributing his time and talents on the Board of a local charity. We get to spend more time together,” she continued. “We never suffered financially. Our financial planning over the years made all that unnecessary worry disappear. My “Worst Case Scenario” ended up being one of the best things that ever happened to us.”
Realizing we have options restores our sense of control. There are things we can't control, but even in a sea of uncontrollable, there are always things we can control. Even if it’s just deciding to shift our focus to control how we feel about something.
Taking steps we can control helps us regain our sense of balance and equilibrium, even in an uncontrollable, uncertain situation.
“Okay,” I said. “This is all very logical and makes perfect sense. But even though we know this intellectually, sometimes it’s still so hard.”
“Of course,” Ipek agreed. “We’re human. When you can be rational about what’s worrying you, you realize that, ‘Oh, I'm exaggerating.’ I still have some things that I can control or I can do about this situation. But even when we know this, emotions can still take over.
“The #1 Thing I do to Quiet Fear”
And when that happens," she continued,"I meditate. Meditation is the most powerful tool for helping me quiet fear.”
I felt my enthusiasm take an involuntary nose-dive.
I suck at meditation.
It seems so simple. But inevitably my mind goes to one of two places:
To my to-do list
To sleep
I cleared my throat.
“I understand that some people have trouble focusing,” I said. “Any advice? (Not for me of course, but, you know, for “them.”)
She smiled. “It’s a practice, after all. I’ve been working at it for years.”
“Start with simple techniques like guided meditations or deep breathing,” she said. Try the ‘4-7-8’ method: inhale for 4 counts, hold for 7, and exhale for 8. Breathing in is tensing, breathing out is relaxing. That’s why, in deep-breathing, your exhale should always be longer than your inhale.”
During times of stress, most of us hold our breath and deprive ourselves of the oxygen we need to think more clearly. The simple act of intentional breathing is scientifically proven to calm our body and mind.
I've learned a few meditation “lite” practices, like my morning Rise and Shine habit, which takes less than 2 minutes to set me and my day up for success.
Fear is a natural part of being human but it doesn’t have to control us. By naming our emotions, intentionally questioning our fears head on, and focusing on what we can control, we can live life more joyfully and resiliently. Practices like meditation and intentional breathing quiet the noise and help us regain our balance, even during life’s most uncertain moments.
The goal is not to eliminate fear, but to learn to navigate through it, and keep progressing toward the extraordinary life we’re meant to live.
And remember, you’ve already been through some tough stuff and came out stronger and more brilliant than before. You are stronger than you know.
Courage is mastery of fear—not absence of fear.
-Mark Twain
Happiness Practice:
Is there something that is worrying or concerning you right now?
Name the emotion that you're feeling? Fear? Anxiety? Anger? Worry? Other?
What's the worst case scenario?
What’s the probability of this worst case scenario actually happening?
If it did happen, could you live with it? What are some things you could do that are within your control?
Try the 4-7-8 Breathing technique. Do this 4 times.
Go back to your natural breathing rhythm and check in with yourself: How are you feeling?
If you still feel anxious or stressed, do another set of four and take a break, repeat this sequence until you feel better.
How are you feeling now? Better or worse than before?
If you’re interested in learning more about how guided meditation can help you manage fear, or taking one of Ipek’s fantastic free meditations, you can learn more here. Or check out her book here.